Communication is key in any relationship. It may sound cliche, but it is true. It’s easy to say that communication is key to a healthy relationship, but not so easy to explain what it means. If we never learn how to communicate, we will never be able open the door for healthy communication.
Communication can be defined in many ways, but I like to define it as “the successful sharing or conveying of ideas and emotions”. I am a good talker but I also have to listen well to be a good communicator. Effective communication is all about being able to express yourself in an appropriate way and listening to others when they do the same.
Here are five tips to improve communication in your relationship.
1. Ask open-ended questions
Communication is more than just sharing your day and what you ate for lunch. You need to be able to get to know the person you are talking to as well as possible. It is not always easy for people who aren’t comfortable with sharing their emotions to go deep. It’s not always necessary to have a heart-to-heart conversation.
You can do this without forcing to spill their deepest secrets. They will spill their most intimate secrets. Asking open-ended, non-verbal questions, such as “How was your morning?” instead of yes-or-no questions, like “Did You Have a Good Day?” may get a quick response (“good”, fine”, “the Same”), but it gives the person an opportunity to reveal more, if they wish. Remember that not everyone is comfortable sharing their feelings. If your partner is not always sharing, be patient. Everyone has different boundaries when it comes to their emotions. Be mindful of and respectful towards their emotional boundaries. They should also be respectful and mindful of yours.
The more you know about your S.O. The more you get to know each other on a deeper, more honest level, the better. Honesty breeds trust and that is the foundation of any healthy relationship. (Hint: Communication is also a very important element! ).
2. Nonverbal cues to pay attention to
If you partner says, “My day was fine”, but their tone is irritated or upset, it could be that they are feeling something else but have not yet communicated. It’s not only about what we say, but how we say it. The way we speak and the tone in which we do so reveal a great deal more than what is actually said. It’s a real skill to be able pick up nonverbal signals. You can also pay attention to your partner’s hands, facial expressions and body language (do they seem trembling or fidgety?) Look at their facial expressions, their hands (are they trembling/fidgety? Crossing their arms? Listen to the tone of their voice.
3. You can’t read their mind
You can sometimes tell by just looking at someone how they are feeling. This is not easy and, let’s be honest: we’re not mind readers and we shouldn’t be. If you don’t know what your partner feels, just ask.
Take a moment to acknowledge that you are the one who is holding back and expecting your partner’s to know what you’re thinking. Your partner has made an effort to ask you about the issue rather than ignore it. When you are ready to share your feelings, do not hesitate to tell them. You shouldn’t pretend to be fine when you aren’t and then blame your partner for failing to understand. You should be honest with yourself and express your feelings in a healthy manner before things get out of hand and people regret what they said. Directness is better than passive aggression .
Try to let your partner know that being passive-aggressive is not helpful for you or them. It’s great when you and your partner are so close that you can read each other’s minds and know what to say at the right time, but it’s also human to make mistakes or miss signals that our partner may take for granted. You should both try to understand each other better and also be patient.
4. Conversations are two-way streets
As you speak with your partner, note how often you use “I”, “You” or “We”. It’s not a real conversation if the discussion is mainly about you. Remind yourself to ask your S.O. Ask them questions about their feelings, thoughts, and current situation. What’s the context when you use “You” frequently? Do you blame or point fingers?
Each person should have equal say in the relationship. Both people must feel heard and able to express themselves. It’s important that you let your partner know if you feel they are dominating the conversation and you cannot get a word out. You may not even be aware of how dominant they are. Conversations should be like a game of tennis, flowing naturally from one person to the next.
5. Schedule Time for Talking
We recently moved in with my partner, and were told by almost everyone that this is a “make-or-break” situation for couples. We were both nervous but had the arrogant attitude that ‘we’d got this’. We’ve always communicated openly and honestly. We didn’t realize how much living together would affect the way we communicate.
We argued constantly during the first three weeks of our relationship. We got so angry about our bickering, rather than the issue we were arguing about, that we started bickering over the fact that it was happening! Do you have a headache? We had a headache for three weeks. We are not that couple so we sat and had a talk about it.
We had to adapt a new way of communicating with each other, since we shared the same space. We discussed the important things (like spending our money) as well as the ones that didn’t really matter (like who takes out the garbage). We would not have known what was important to the other person if we hadn’t sat down and talked about it.
We realized that our disagreements were not about the things we were fighting over, but about feeling unheard or unappreciated. We decided that we would have a weekly “session” called Bae Sesh, where we could speak our minds in a judgement-free environment. We feel respected and heard.
Our hour-long Bae Sesh may not be for everyone but it is for us. Our Bae Sessions have helped us avoid bigger conflicts, listen and bond with each other. It’s great to have a deeper conversation. We talk daily, but we are both so busy.
6. Tell them what you need from them
Sometime I just want to vent, and I feel validated when my partner says, “Yeah, that’s really bad, I’m so sorry!” At other times, I need advice. As I mentioned before, no one can read minds, so you need to make sure that your partner is aware of what’s going on. You can let your partner know what you want by saying something like “I’m in a hurry and don’t need any advice. I just need your support.” Or, “I am really in need of your advice about this situation.”
Directly stating what you want can also help to reduce miscommunications or stress. We can avoid unnecessary arguments caused by miscommunications if we let them know in advance.
Communication is a Skill
Communication is a skill that can always be improved. Together, figure out ways to maintain a healthy relationship and remain on the same page. You should be as direct, honest, thoughtful, and kind as possible. You can do this with a Bae Sesh or by simply trying to be more open to one another.
